So… What is happening? My mood keeps swinging back and forth. How could this be… in me?
Regrets? Am I feeling it? Regrets? Is that really you? How? I did what I can. I moved to what I wanted. Why?
They said you would regret the things that you didn’t do. Why am I here? I shouldn’t feel this way. Oh my. I did it. What am I missing?
Moving on without knowing. Catching the dark, is it? What do I really want? Help, I need help.
You know what happened last Monday?
It happened in Glorietta 1, ground floor. I was ahead with my friend Nicola when I noticed her. It was my buddy’s ex. I tried to say hi. You know this thing that you point at someone and say “Hey! How are you?!” that kind of enthusiastic hi. It did not happen. What I got was a skip like I’m an off quality music track. Her eyes jumped over me. Her name escaped my breath. “Marianne… I said.” When I turned around to follow her, and I knew that Bob was behind me, I saw them. It was a bullet-time moment (for those who are not familiar with the term, it’s when time slows down that a sec seems 5 seconds).
Ok, I followed her with my eyes, as soon as she passed my 140 degree view, I made a quick turn around.
“BOB!!!” I was calling my friend’s attention through telepathic means. I was thankful that he got my message.
Nicola said, “Stop, I wanna see what’s in here” She didn’t know Marianne.\
Bob was confused. He didn’t know whom to acknowledge first.
I said, “Marianne…” making him read my lips and I was pointing at her. When I think about it now, I may have been pointing at her ass. How did that make me look?
Then, there it went, he read what my lips were saying. He had this blank expression in his face saying, “what the fuck? What the hell are you talking about? Why the hell is Nic stopping me for? What is all this?” It tips more to the clueless/dumb expression.
Then there it was, he saw her. His internal dialog continued to “Why are you pointing at that woman’s ass? Oh, I think I know her. Her face is familiar. Oh. Oh no! I really know her. Shit! Tangina ka Ronch ang gulo mo ah! I’ll turn left. I’ll pretend that I didn’t see her.“
He sidestepped. Pretended that nothing happened.
Of course, it didn’t stop there. I, being a good friend, told him that a hello would be nice.
It took me to one of my fears. I want to see my ex but I’m afraid that I’m not really over her. What if she comes and cross the lines that I drew again? Huh? She might ruin my sketch of happiness.
Obviously, there are some things that time doesn’t heal. Will this be one of them? I certainly hope not.
“Oh my God!” the very words that come out of my thought (not my mouth people). I was alone. Yes, I talk to myself but not at this instance. It’s a moment.
I’ve always thought that I’ve already forgotten her face. I imagined that I could have been walking pass her every time. I thought that she would be one of those pretty yet unfamiliar faces that will stun you but not recognize. People, this is not a transitory opinion.
Call me a stalker but I do check her profile. What’s wrong? She’s a longtime friend. When I do, I always thought, “that’s her? Cool. Pretty! Beautiful! Wow!” But that stays there. It was not a reminder of how she was and what she was. Shallow comments if you ask me. It continued till I stopped viewing her profile.
She was one of the women that I had a crush on. I can always say that I like her but can’t really support the idea. It was probably a shadow of what I thought about her. Till recently. I had a chance to see her other photos. (It was an accident.)
Shit! Just like that, I saw a very familiar face. It was someone who told me that she liked love songs. We used to talk. Look, I know that I screwed it up somehow. It’s an accepted fact that I do. Moving forward, I saw her warm smile again: A very simple yet meaningful smile. Have you ever heard of the phrase “simplicity over complexity”? That’s what I thought, “simple yet complex”. She has transparent eyes, helplessly beautiful, reachable.
In video game sense, She is easy enough to finish, yet difficult enough to keep you interested in a very long time. You probably know this if you’re a game geek like me. I never grew out of it like I never grew out of the faces that I like. In her case, it was never the face. It was an overall aura that radiates. Cool!
You know what’s sad? It’s that I can never wish for her. The hell, it will take me like 10 years of hard work, change, and pure luck just to deserve her, even more. I’m too lazy for that. I don’t have the muscle to do it, even if I do, She won’t be in the market that long. Hello!!!
I did the math… Damn! It’s always a joke when you math unreachable dreams. Because we realize that it can never turn into a goal. Not that I want it to become a goal. I’m just happy that I remembered why I like her. It was never shallow after all. I thought she changed yet it was just my image of her. Weird!
Someone told me once, “Titles are bought”. Pageants? Rave tops and reviews? In some sense, they are. In defense to this thought, She deserves it! (I never really saw the article I just have stalker tendencies).
I hope fate gives me her kind of woman. Put that in a middle class glass and I will take it as it is. Her mix is perfect, Admirable.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for this wonderful day. Thank you for everything that you have given me. Thanks for all that I get acquainted with.
My Sir, please, let me have her. I wouldn’t mind if one day, while wondering on a bench while having endless unforgiving daydreams, she would just show up and Kiss me.
If not her let it be somebody who can give me a drop of a heaven moment. I want someone with a great smile and a cute laugh; someone who can be crazy and mesmerizing.
Lord, I don’t want rich because it’s a very week position for a man. If be a bonus and got someone at very, I want it to be an opportunity to be a good provider and not be a “provided for”. I would like someone who is loving and faithful. (There are so many cheaters nowadays, specially ‘cause of that bad girl fad going on.)
Sir, I want someone who can be the most beautiful woman in my standards, if not, competitive. I want her to be someone whom I can choose be a time that her beauty fades (but still has it and can still bring it.)
I want an intelligent woman who is not afraid to be stupid (look or reason), who can be a loving smart ass, a funny bone in anger, an Achilles heel in obstinate behavior, a temptation during abstinence, and a guideline during unruliness.
Sir, if I can’t get committed, I’m fine with a friend with benefits (romantic, not the other benefit.) It may eventually lead to what I’m looking for anyways. A cute sweet looking 10 is fine with me.
Please Sir, let her not be a manipulative unappreciative person. I don’t want her to be corrupted by the “girl power” ideal. Sure I want someone who is confident enough and can stand by her own but enough is enough. Enough meaning she can walk to me and kiss me ala “AXE moment” but that stays there (of course, it was because of my effect on her that made her do it).
If all fails here’s a list of people that can substitute:
Cameron Diaz
Emmanuelle Chriqui
Cobie Smulders
Penelope Cruz
Rose Byrne
Jennifer Anniston
Amanda Bynes
Jeon Ji Hyun
Sammi Cheng
Andusha (big brother UK Housemate that was in distractions/ if I’m spelling it right.)
Nelly Furtado (something about her voice.)
My God, I dream of her being a little boyish and refined. She who can run yet glides through. A woman with fine long legs is a plus but not really needed. A little lengthy is ok.
Make her hands very beautiful for the reason that it will be the pair that will touch my face when I’m upset. Make them a pair that can hold my tear. Make them like hers that can be warm to the touch. Give her finger that cuddling prowess (cause not everyone can). Sir, I want someone who always reach for her stars, knows how to cook, *and a little handy with tools.
Sir, I hope that I can equal what I ask. I don’t think I can. I will not settle but I can try to be better. Guide me, Sir, to what I should do to return it all to the dream that I wish for.
Amen.
Everywhere I fly
Every place I go seems so empty
Everytime I try to make this feeling go
Without you I don’t know what moves me
And I can’t find the language
And I can’t give you reasons
To memorise the faces that you love
CHORUS:
I never thought I’d find what I was looking for
I never thought I’d ever find the place where I belong
I never thought I’d find what I was looking for
I never thought I’d find
Never thought I’d find the place where I belong
If I never cry I won’t know what hurts me
If I never try I won’t …
If I never look outside I won’t see the rain
Running through the cold and dirty
And I can’t find the language
And I can’t give you reasons
To memorise the faces that you love
I want to see you.
I wanna hear your voice.
I want to see your messages.
Where are they?
They’re lost somwhere.
I don’t know what to do with you. Somehow, i got scared.
For some reason, I don’t know where to take this. how to?
one hope flies for me, though. A feeling of wanting is still there.
I just dont know where this would lead.
Free me: get me out of this shadow that i lurk.
Move me: That is what you did.
Take me: you don’t have to come to my world.
Im lost!
I thought i wanted to move yours.
I would like to be wanted.
I would like to be loved.
I would still want to be the reason of your heartbeat
but it’s not important anymore.
Lets switch places. now, i want you to be the reason of mine
In case that you don’t and decide not to.
Please, remember one promise.
Tell me when all hopes end. A phrase. Just one line.
"It ends like this, It ends today."
My own commitment will… Good day!
Ronchie
ice2real@yahoo.com
Hey everyone!
I have news for you. My mom just came home. (You can’t call it news, it happened in September.).
Things have changed. I am much better now. I got busy with my part time job. (Include long hours in doing nothing and voila! happy and lucky! hahaha!)
How are you people? How are things? Funny I ask. I know that I will not hear nor read anything in reply. Very common, right? I would like this to be a letter. Do you know sliding doors? or butterfly effect? I haven’t seen more movies nor read books about but it both discussed about turning points. The real ones! unlike “history boys” told. (The movie that i watched alone thinking that it was a funny movie about going to college. It turns out, the joke’s on me. F***! Nothing against you if you happen to know what I mean.) Single events that can change our lives.
I tried going over it. One major for me is when my mom came home.
Now, I was thinking of other things, Could I have had a y-fork when I missed a cab when i was looking at some people making a scene? I would call that divine intervention. What about the time that I didn’t introduce myself to that woman who pretended to be a sales lady? (I will tell the tale at a different time. btw, I thought I saw her a few days ago. I’m not sure because her face is blurred in my memories.) Have I gone through a y-fork when I decided to take another route home? Can it be that moment that I thought I saw someone and decided to keep it in my imagination because of the fear of it being real? So many examples, so many possibilities, so many things that I may look over. Can it also be when I didn’t bother fixing my belt and I got held-up (robbed) when I rode that jeepney last December?
Most of them are choices, from the simplest of it picking up a coin to a put in your pocket to the going-the-extra-mile-when-everything-felt-right. What about you? Can you tell me those instances when it happened? Can you think of the times that could have changed your life for better or worse? Most of them can become "what ifs”. Did I made the right
decision? Did it happen to make things easier for me? Will it kill me in the end or will it allow me an early retirement?
A lot of questions. no? It made me think a lot. I hope that it also makes you think.
Good day.
if you were made to choose a super power, what will it be?
Some will choose strength, they want to be mighty.
Some would choose to be invisible, so they can sneak around.
A few will go for rays of destruction, or the senses of a hound.
If you ask me for an answer, it will be to fly.
The better of life, it will personify.
in everyday life, we experience the feeling.
we say we do, when we are healing.
We fly when we feel success.
We fly when we fall in love or caressed.
We fly when we win or excited about something.
We fly when we fulfill our dreams.
Up there, we are, when the world is in our favor.
When the melody of gods can sing with our flavor.
when we write our goals, and plan our future.
to unsurmountable odds, after we endure.
we do when we seek a deeper meaning.
in this life we fly when we sow our seedlings.
Now, my friend, please tell me.
have you felt the experience? in this life, do you see?
Was i able to influence your choice?
if you were asked, would you pick other toys?
Would you like to change your stand?
let’s share the experience. come. take my hand.
Hi, if you have opened this, I’m so sorry. It may contain things that you would not agree to. But nonetheless read on.
This is my first time writing such. Please, bear with me. First I would like to discuss insecurities in a relationship.
Me and my ex, had this thing going on for more than almost 3 years now. We had a fight recently. Well, it was more of a one sided thing so to speak. I did the fighting; she did the fedup-and-i-don’t-want-to-talk-to-you-ever-again stuff. Up to now, we are not in speaking terms adding SMS, e-mail, mobile, land phone, all and everything that will not resort in me seeing her nor talking with someone else. It was still one-sided ‘cause…(please refer to the sentence above).
It started with a cab ride. I picked her up, I told her, “Love, I’m still insecure. Please help me.” It was not the specific words but definitely goes the same line. She answered “It’s an old tune. Try singing a new song dear.” It hurts. It stung me so much that I needed steroids for it not to swell. It went on, keeps on going back and forth till it got to my head. I’m not surprised. It was fueled by my insecurities.
Later that day, I was walking, on my way home, she called me. She said that she is eating at this restaurant that is not out of my way. First, I was hesitant. I know what I was feeling ‘cause the cab ride is almost within its limits. I couldn’t let go of the fact that she responded that way. You see; when people miss something out, no matter how subtle I told them, it freaks me out. I wasn’t even restrained when told her what I was feeling. Huh! What did I do? I went on and said “Yes, I’m coming dear. I don’t have money though. Can you pay for it?” (Hey! This situation is very natural for people who have been together that long. Right?) I had my reasons. I felt bad not wanting to see her the day before. How bad can it be? I’ve been insecure for the longest time now. Maybe I can just stay close to her and it will all disappear, as it always does.
I went in to this Chinese restau and sat beside her. She kept her distance. I was trying to pull her but there is always this space between us. As we eat, I still tried. It looks as if it never got to her. We finished, stood up, and went. I tried reaching for her hand. She was so close yet, so far away. I was trying to close to her and I was beginning to be frustrated. A few meters, I tried reaching for her. I wanted her to be close. Still, so far. My insecurities went sky high and just turned my back. I walked away. “Anong problema mo?!” she said. I smiled and waived. While I was in the shuttle, I called her and saw “waiting” while I call. Everything went off the charts. The ass in me was so high that I could not stop him from coming out. I lost my temper. Again!
To continue……
To write about things I feel was never easy. To even think of myself writing this is definitely not me. Continuing on what I have inked a few days ago, about insecurities? Right? I would like to move this topic with some new questions. When was the last time you have felt those butterflies in your stomach? When was the last time you have fallen for the same person again? When did that feeling of being head over hills with the person that you love, had loved, or is still in love with dawned over you?
I guess we loose it overtime. We forget because we feel underprivileged, insecure, insufficient, irritated, and anything bad that starts with I or U. “I” being something awful that you feel, and “U” being something that you don’t have. We hold I or U responsible for what we experience. We get used to it and it brings us to a quandary.
Do you even remember those first days of your relationship? When both of you were trying to be the best partner. No sad tales. When everything was dynamic? We either plan ahead or let things self-organize. Everything had direction even if you just let it be. It becomes our state of being and we feel nirvana. (What did I just write? This is really getting inferior.) Then, in an instant, we go to slow death. We kill the relationship with differences and small things. (they are not small because it is the usual case.)
I have to be honest my readers. I don’t think I’m headed anywhere. So, let’s go back to insecurities. That was the topic in the first place.
I wanted more. Insecurities are feelings that we deal with. It needs the right things at the right time for it to resolve. It is already bad when we try to deal with it on our own. Worse when you want to trust but can’t. Worst if your partner is not cooperating. They feel that it’s not rationally sound. They won’t understand. They feel that you don’t trust them. You become agitated. They respond to the way you act. (The same way that you’re doing) You feel that they don’t love you enough. They feel that you’re asking too much. You loose it again. You start detaching your self which leads to writing the way I am now.
I would like to say that I need help. I say that I do. I am not perfect. I want to improve my condition. I want to trust but I can’t. For anything that I can add to this argument, please, message me.
To continue….
